MATT CONNARTON, CERTIFIED HYPNOTHERAPIST

“I’ll do it when I feel more confident.”

How many opportunities have been postponed because of that sentence?

You’ll speak up when you feel confident.

You’ll introduce yourself when you feel confident.

You’ll apply for the opportunity when you feel confident.

You’ll finally do the thing you’ve been thinking about when you feel confident.

There’s just one problem.

Sometimes confidence doesn’t arrive before you act. It develops because you acted.

Confidence Isn’t the Absence of Nervousness

We sometimes imagine confident people walking through life without experiencing uncertainty, self-doubt, or nervousness.

That’s an unrealistic standard.

You can be nervous and still speak.

You can have doubts and still make a decision.

You can feel uncomfortable and still take action.

Confidence doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating every uncomfortable feeling before doing something.

Sometimes it means discovering that you can function effectively even when those feelings are present.

Waiting for the Feeling Can Keep You Stuck

Imagine someone who is uncomfortable speaking in front of a group.

They tell themselves:

“Once I feel confident speaking in public, I’ll volunteer to give a presentation.”

But if they consistently avoid public speaking, where is that confidence supposed to come from?

They’re waiting for evidence that they can handle something while simultaneously avoiding opportunities to create that evidence.

That can become a frustrating cycle.

Fear leads to avoidance. Avoidance prevents experience. Lack of experience reinforces the fear.

Breaking the cycle may begin with action rather than emotion.

Action Creates Evidence

Your mind learns from experience.

Suppose you do something that makes you slightly uncomfortable — and you handle it.

Now you have evidence.

You survived the conversation.

You gave the presentation.

You walked into the room.

You made the phone call.

You asked the question.

Maybe it wasn’t perfect.

It doesn’t have to be.

You now know something you didn’t know before:

You can do it.

Confidence Can Be Practiced

We often talk about confidence as though it’s something you either possess or you don’t.

But many of the behaviors associated with confidence can be practiced.

You can practice speaking more slowly.

You can practice making eye contact.

You can practice taking a moment before responding.

You can practice walking into a situation with your attention focused on what you want to accomplish rather than constantly monitoring yourself.

You can practice recovering from mistakes without turning them into catastrophes.

None of this requires you to magically become fearless first.

Watch Your Mental Rehearsal

Before an uncomfortable situation, what does your imagination do?

Do you picture yourself freezing?

Saying the wrong thing?

Being judged?

Making a mistake?

Feeling embarrassed?

If so, you may be mentally rehearsing the exact experience you don’t want.

Try deliberately changing the rehearsal.

Imagine entering the situation.

See yourself breathing comfortably.

Imagine speaking naturally.

Picture yourself handling an unexpected moment without panicking.

And perhaps most importantly, imagine yourself continuing even if everything isn’t perfect.

Where Hypnosis Can Help

Mental rehearsal is one of the techniques that can be incorporated into hypnosis.

During hypnosis, attention can become more focused, creating an opportunity to practice the thoughts, expectations, feelings, and behaviors you would like to make more familiar.

For someone working on confidence, that might involve imagining situations that previously triggered self-doubt and mentally rehearsing a different response.

Instead of repeatedly practicing:

“What if I embarrass myself?”

You might practice:

“I can handle this.”

Instead of:

“Everyone is judging me.”

You might practice directing your attention toward the conversation itself.

Instead of:

“I have to be perfect.”

You might practice:

“I can do this well without doing it perfectly.”

The goal isn’t to install magical confidence.

It’s to practice a more useful response.

Stop Trying to Eliminate Every Butterfly

Feeling some nervous energy before doing something important is not necessarily a problem.

Sometimes it simply means the situation matters to you.

If you decide that you cannot proceed until every trace of nervousness disappears, you may spend a lot of time waiting.

Instead, you can learn to interpret those sensations differently.

“I’m nervous” can become:

“My body is getting ready.”

“This matters to me.”

“I can feel this and still perform.”

Changing the meaning you attach to a feeling can sometimes change your relationship with it.

Make the Challenge Smaller

If something feels overwhelming, you don’t necessarily have to begin with the hardest possible version of it.

Suppose you want to become more comfortable speaking in front of people.

Your first step doesn’t have to be addressing an auditorium filled with 1,000 strangers.

You might begin by speaking up more frequently in small groups.

Then perhaps asking a question at a meeting.

Then giving a short presentation.

Each experience gives your mind additional evidence that you can handle the next one.

What Would the Confident Version of You Do?

Here’s a simple exercise you can try today.

Think of a situation where you would like to feel more confident.

Now ask:

“If I already felt confident, what would I do differently?”

Would you make the call?

Speak up?

Ask the question?

Stop apologizing unnecessarily?

Apply for the opportunity?

Set a boundary?

Introduce yourself?

You don’t have to do everything on that list today.

Pick one.

Then practice the behavior.

Confidence Is Built From Experience

You don’t need to transform into a completely different person.

You don’t need to become fearless.

You don’t need to eliminate every doubt.

You need experiences that demonstrate what you’re capable of doing.

Some will go beautifully.

Some will be awkward.

Some won’t work at all.

That’s part of being human.

Real confidence doesn’t have to mean believing that you’ll always succeed.

It can mean trusting yourself to respond, adjust, learn, and continue.

Maybe Confidence Comes Second

The next time you catch yourself saying, “I’ll do it when I feel more confident,” try reversing the equation.

Take a manageable action first.

Then notice what happens.

You may discover that confidence isn’t always the prerequisite for action.

Sometimes confidence is the result.

— Matt Connarton
Certified Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner & Life Coach
mattconnarton.com